Never thought of leaving a safe country like Sweden, yet here I am
**THIS POST CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE**
Honestly, what could my reasons be to begin this post? I’m trying to figure out if it’s humane to urge for attention or simply urge for someone to listen. Not that I’m alone. I just feel alone. Don’t get me wrong, my life is what I personally would call a close-to-perfect life for me. But of course, there is always something I yearn, like you, be honest, what exactly do you yearn? You can be all calm and zen, but even then – you yearn. Yearn to reach Nirvana maybe? Here’s my thoughts, why is that as a monk; you learn NOT to yearn, but yet you yearn to be calm and inner-satisfied. I would love a suggestion to why that is; I am open for suggestions.
Why do I feel alone? Maybe it’s because I’m out of my safe zone, my safe old home and the silence of Sweden. Maybe it is because I’m far away from the people I would like to call my friends… Sometimes I even wonder if maybe I just want to feel alone, like I am being pathetic and just choose to feel lonely, because what else humane thing don’t I do?
I must say wow, even h*LY f*ck, to where I ended up. It’s amazing. Of course, I feel it’s undeserved. I’ve learned in the time I’ve been concious that you only deserve things you work really hard for. And here I feel like I got my life on a golden plate; or make that a huge diamond plate. But that’s the bad part of me; where society and humane judgement creeps into my head telling me – I don’t deserve this – not a single bit of it. I mean hell, I ended up to where I am today because of a game called Counter-Strike! But who am I to even judge MYSELF. Can I just shut myself up, and look myself in the mirror, in the eye, and say, I’m so fucking proud of where you are and you fucking deserve all of it. YOU FUCKING ROCK.
If only it was that easy to shut some of my judgement down. I’m still working on it, but I’m pretty sure most people are. There’s this inner fight where you’re yourself and then there’s another you. And then you start to wonder, who exactly are you? Who am I? What do I want? Some says, you should just choose; choose to be happy; choose to be beautiful; choose to feel accepted; choose to be yourself. And yet, I fall back to the track where I have no clue of who I am. Gah, super depressing.
Work is amazing. I love my work. Maybe that’s why I started to blog again, I feel inspired to design my own pages and run my own personal website. This post and the post in the future will surely let you and probably other random people know more about me. What society ever tell you is that, no one really knows how great your life is until you share it. Which is super sad. But it’s also something people urge to do, to share, to feel “part of their community”. I’m bad at sharing, not sure if I have a community, nor a huge group of friends that would instantly like my posts and give me 1k likes. But, my smile is bigger when my friends and families likes my stuff, which i rarely share online, because I’m happy atleast they know I exist and is alive, haha.
And by the way, I’m probably the greatest hypocrite you’ll ever read about. Perspectives is my keyword, and I’m still searching for more persectives; meaning, I want to know all sides of things, so I can put my honest judgement and also have huge anxieties about choices. Yay.
I have a new beautiful home. It’s huge, definitely huge for someone who just began her life. I almost forgot I recently graduated, it already feels like a long time ago – still more unsure about myself than ever. But one thing for sure, which I’m certain of, is the one person who makes me defy my fears and make me face them, one person who calms me, one person who could make me move all the way from Sweden to another country, Austria. One person that I truly fell head over heels for. If only I had better words to describe him.
I’ll make do with: he’s perfect…………………… And I’m the lucky one.